Just like everyone else, I have a few core beliefs.
1) One of the most important skills you will ever learn is how to sincerely and effectively apologize
2) If someone tells you that he/she is not even a little afraid of the dark, that person is lying to you
3) You’ll make and keep more friends by listening than you will by talking
4) Even if we don’t know our over-arcing purpose in life, on a daily basis our purpose is to make life a little easier for one another
5) You will always be happier not knowing how many calories are in a mocha, a McDonald’s hamburger, or movie theater popcorn. Just don’t ask. Ever. (Incidentally, I also believe people who perform studies to find out such information are secretly very unhappy people who want to spread their misery)
6) Finally and unoriginally, everything happens for a reason. Well, maybe not so much that everything happens for a reason, but that things tend to work out eventually.
In case you were curious (or worried), this list is not exhaustive.
Now, the problem with believing that things happen for a reason is that, logically, there are times in my life when I need to decipher exactly what that reason is. When life does not go according to plan in ways that are upsetting but not especially tragic, the easy answer to “why did this happen” is “to teach [said person in shitty situation] humility.”
Obviously this answer is annoying and unsatisfying; let’s not pretend otherwise.
Yes, life can be disappointing, and if you had somehow not known this illuminating information before, I am glad I could spend several paragraphs breaking the news to you. Let us not forget, however, the many things in life that teach us humility.
Singing the wrong words to a song.
This mistake can break your narcissistic rhythm even when you’re alone, but if you’re in a group of people, there’s really no hope for your pride by the end of the song. Especially disheartening is the mis-sung lyric when you’re absolutely bellowing the song, because you feel like you’re singing exceptionally well that day, and those around you are truly blessed to hear your voice. The secret belief that somewhere a producer at a record company is lurking and waiting to sign you may also be quietly thriving somewhere. Even the most unconfident singers have days like that, when you sound just like Mumford and Sons, and you’re being especially soulful, because these lyrics are deep, these lyrics resonate with you, these lyrics…fuck. Those weren’t the right lyrics. Depending on who you’re with, people will either glance quickly at you and then pretend not to notice, or mock your mercilessly. Either way, you’ve fallen pretty quickly from that musical pedestal on which you happily placed yourself. And just like that, your singing career is over, and if you’re in a car, moving or not, you’re seriously considering opening the door and hoping for the best.
Microsoft Word and/or Google has no idea what the hell you’re talking about.
It’s one thing to misspell polysyllabic words that you find in a book for and by Smart People. We can forgive that of ourselves. It’s even acceptable to look at words like “who” and “the” and silently contemplate how strange they appear. Maybe we’re just feeling linguistically existential. More likely, we had too much or too little caffeine. But sometimes you can type a word into a document, and Microsoft puts that red squiggly line under it, and, all right, texting has completely ruined our lexicons, so we accept we could be rusty on the spelling of this word. However, when you patiently right-click, Microsoft has “no spelling suggestions.” Outraged, you google your “word,” and Google is all, “The fuck?” or whatever the Google equivalent of “no spelling suggestions” is. What word were you thinking of? Have you used this pretend word in conversations with your peers? In handwritten assignments, have you tried to make “narratively” a thing? Obviously, the sting of this can be somewhat lessened if, outraged, you exclaim, “Well, it should be a word,” and get a baffled bystander to agree with you.
Failing at small-talk.
Even people who are generally good at small talk are not always good at small-talk. And, really, inane chatter is a game for two—the person with whom you’re conversing has to be somewhat adept at talking about nothing, too. Yet, despite the odds staked against us, when we walk away from a server, a cashier, or, worse, an acquaintance we really should be able to talk to, and have failed to keep them engaged in the dry details of our life, we feel like we’ve failed at this basic level of human interaction. We didn’t have to get this person to propose at the end of the conversation, we just had to keep him or her interested enough to not look extremely relieved when sufficient time has passed that both of us could walk away. Sometimes small-talk is difficult because we can’t really decipher the jargon. Does “we should get together for lunch sometime” actually mean we should get together for lunch sometime, or does it mean, “You can nod and make up an excuse to leave now. We’ll both just pretend to forget that neither of us has the other’s number. Retreat!”
Realizing you’ve been using the same word/phrase in a conversation incessantly.
When suddenly you catch yourself saying “like” in a conversation, completely needlessly, and that word seems damnably familiar, the topic of your exchange suddenly seems to disappear and all you can think about is not repeating that word again. You’re not a Valley Girl. Unless you’re crafting some explosive simile, you will not use the word “like” again. And suddenly that’s all you’re saying. Or maybe it’s another word that’s slightly more sophisticated. You instantly develop a fear that the person you’re talking to will think you have one of those Word a Day calendars, and are otherwise verbally bereft.
Not hearing what someone is saying…over and over again
We all have mastered the pleasantly neutral expression and half-nod half-headshake that symbolizes, “I have no idea what you just said, but I’m tired of saying ‘what,’ and really hope you’re not giving me money or bestowing super powers upon me and I’m missing it.” It’s a 50/50 shot whether or not this person will call you on your fake-out (because it’s usually pretty obvious) or just pick up the conversation more audibly, leaving you lost and with a permanently vapid look on your face.
Don’t forget, for all of the times we walk straight into walls or realize we’ve been wearing a shirt inside-out all day, there are also times we pull off incredible feats that surprise even ourselves.
Or, you know, simply avoid walking into walls, and dress ourselves successfully.
Either way, try to keep in mind that if you’re unlucky enough to have an audience to your embarrassing moments, everyone has been through what you’ve been through. Even if no one around you is compassionate and understanding, most people are at least thankful for your presence, because you’ve provided a distraction from the last embarrassing thing someone did.
Happy reading, all. Stay humble.
